Monday, March 5, 2007

its just me

I just need to vent.
I am SO stressed right now. I feel as if we will never get a quote on the cost to build on to our house, or if we even can (the contractor is coming tomorrow). I have a child in mind that I would love to adopt, but out of fear someone will come into the pic and swoop him up and take him, keeps me from saying who it is! I know this is silly, because the Lord will allow him to be mine if he is meant to be. I feel as if I will never have enough money to adopt.
I am sick and tired of winter, spring needs to hurry up. I am a summer person, not winter. I want to go to yard sales, and have a yard sale.
I know I am really negative. I don't mean to be, or do I?
I have on several occasions had what I thought was family or friend, hurt me. I don't think they meant to, but I have learned not to share my inner heart thoughts with anybody!!!! I hate that when you need to say something to someone, you get shunned, and when you shouldn't say anything, people force you to. I feel as though I am on the back burner of most of the relationships I have. I have opened up so many times, and time and time again, end up hurt. Maybe I expect to much from others. Maybe I am not the right kind of friend. Whatever the case, I need to just get over it!!
I know that the Lord has put me on this earth for a reason, I do believe that he uses me each and every day. I love the children I work with, and want to fill my home with children. This is what makes me the happiest. This is what if I had to say was what God wants of me. I on the other hand, cant stand it when people tell me "You already have 4!" or "You have already gotten to adopt, why do it again?" or my all time favorite "Why adopt?, Can't you have your own?" My girls are my own, and I never knew there was a limit on how many children you could choose to love and have in your home. Hopefully this negative attitude won't last long. I hope I haven't dragged anyone down with me. I just really needed to put in writing what I feel and not keep it locked up any longer!!! I will let everyone know what the builder says, if it is reasonable for us to build. Hopefully it will be, I really want and feel the Lord telling me to adopt a little boy! Every time my phone rings or the doorbell rings, I think oh maybe a Haitian is calling:). I can dream right???

1 comment:

Angela said...

It's good to vent. You definitely don't need to keep it all bottled up in there. Just recognize the lies and refuse to believe them. Choose the voice of truth. A peace that passes all understanding will come. Be patient and endure the hardships and learn everything you can. We all have giants we need to face. Only we can face them and only in God's strength! I'm speaking from experience. I am so encouraged by your heart attitude and a willingness to go below surface level. I'll be praying for ya sister. Thanks for sharing. God is faithful!!!